fully surrendered

What does it look like to be fully surrendered to the Lord?  I have been grappling with this exact question for the last few weeks.  Before I left for the trip, I thought that I would have such amazing mountaintop experiences with God throughout the entire trip.  I was a little discouraged when not much was changing in my spiritual walk after we first arrived in Zambia.  I kind of was wishing that God would suddenly give me this deep desire to spend time with Him daily the moment I got here -- you know, come to another country to serve the Lord and boom...you all of a sudden have the intense desire to CONSTANTLY be in His presence, right?  Well, I'm a testament to the fact that this isn't true and doesn't happen all the time.  In the last month, the Lord has begun to challenge me in specific areas that I haven't been challenged in before.  This has been a little difficult to walk through when I am supposed to be having the time of my life in Zambia.  Instead, I have been challenged to reevaluate where my confidence lies.  Do I find my identity in the Lord or through my own confidence of academic knowledge, clinical skill, or just my personal confidence in general knowledge.  


Through this process, I question how to fully surrender to the Lord.  I am not sure I fully understand this principle and I do not feel that I have the ability at this time to fully surrender this area of my life to the Lord.  I am praying through this because I do not want this change to strictly be a mountaintop experience, but instead, I want there to be a permanent change.  


This afternoon, I went to the orphanage down the road from our home.  I cannot even begin to describe how awesome it is to walk through a gate and instantly be showered with unfailing love from these beautiful children.  In the case of the orphanage I frequently go to, I walk in and within 20 seconds I have a child who has sprinted and jumped into my arms and doesn't get down until I leave to go back to our guest house.  This makes me think of what it would like if I fully surrendered to the Lord.  At any moment, I can run with reckless abandonment into my Heavenly Father's arms and He will show me unconditional and unfailing love.  If I can put aside my own thoughts and issues, I can give the Lord full control of my heart.  I continue to seek out this new growing opportunity that is welcomed but also painful to walk through as I become less and He becomes greater!