In this life I will stand through my joy and my pain. Knowing there's a greater day, there's a Hope that never fails. When Your name is lifted high, and forever praises rise. For the glory of Your name, I'm believing for the day. When the wars and violence cease, all creation lives in peace.
May the songs of heaven rise to You alone.
May the songs of heaven rise to You alone.
No weeping, no hurt or pain, no suffering...You hold me now, You hold me now.
No darkness, no sick or lame, no hiding...You hold me now. You hold me now.
for eternity, all my heart will give, all the glory to Your name
for eternity, all my heart will give, all the glory to Your name
|| You Hold Me Now : Hillsong United ||
I would like to ask you what good is an easy walk? What does it mean to be content in every circumstance? In Philippians 4:12, Paul poses this same question: "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." I can honestly say, I still don't know what it feels like to be content in every situation. This has been a frustrating but growing experience. I am learning this concept not only in my professional life as a soon-to-be nurse, but also in my personal life, which I can tell you is not easy. What does it look like to be content when a patient dies whom I am taking care of...and the knowledge, skills, and resources weren't enough to save her life? What does it mean to be content with situations that are out of your control? How can my actions, thoughts, and responses line up the Lord's heart in these situations I find myself in?
These are just a few questions that have been rumbling around in my head. I have had some awesome experiences these last two and a half weeks! The team traveled to Zimba Mission Hospital about a week and a half ago where we had clinicals for 3 days. I was able to work in the outpatient department, the pediatric ward and maternity ward, and one day I was given the opportunity to observe many surgeries and even scrub in on one! That was a highlight of this whole Zambia experience. I just have to say that some of the Zambian doctors that we have worked with are absolutely brilliant, resourceful, and practice with excellence in every facet of their care.
We started working in Choma General Hospital last week Tuesday. This is a completely new type experience than what we have had up to this point. Prior to this, we have been working in mission hospitals alone, but now we are working in a government hospital. What is interesting about Zambian healthcare is that all the hospitals are supported by the government either 100% or almost 100%. All supplies, staffing, and programs are supported through the government. So when the supplies are out for the month, the hospital doesn't receive any more until the government chooses. It has been really great working in a different type of environment. There are the normal wards that are in pretty much every other hospital but there is three additional areas: psychiatric ward, physical therapy, and a dental clinic.
I have worked in many of the wards over the last two weeks and as my clinical experience in Zambia came to a close today, I had very conflicting emotions. I sat on the curb outside of the hospital after I had just witnessed the death of a patient I had taken care of yesterday having so many thoughts run through my head. Missions hold a big pull on my heart...I'm not sure in what capacity yet, and I am completely trusting in the Lord that He will direct me in this area of my life. With this in mind, I sat there today, looking at the entrance to a place of joy, sorrow, and everything in between. I kept thinking, If the Lord calls me to staying overseas long term and being a part of healthcare in another country, am I really strong enough? Do I have the skills, the understanding, the abilities to work in healthcare where there are not enough resources or answers for the questions? The answer to these questions came quickly -- a resounding no. I wasn't surprised by this answer because this is something the Lord has been stirring in my heart since I arrived here in Zambia. I am not strong enough, I do not have the skill set required, I do not hold the answers to the medical mysteries that we have been facing each and every day while in the hospitals...the only One who holds these answers is the Sovereign, Lord God Almighty. I do not think I have ever believed this more than I do today.
I was in the female ward when I heard the debilitating mourning wails of a woman who had just lost her sister to bacterial meningitis secondary to final stage HIV/AIDS. In the Bible, when it takes about "mourn with those who mourn"--I have never understand that quite as well as I do now. I am thankful for these small but incredibly significant lessons I am learning and yet I continue to come back to the questions of what else should I have done? What could have been done to save this young 27-year-old woman? As I said at the beginning of this post, what does it really mean to be content in every circumstance? Why do we expect that it is our right to have a "good walk"? The Lord has brought up some tough things in my own heart to get rid of and to replace with Him in these past few weeks and its not easy. But why do I think I deserve an easy walk?
I want to learn what it is to live in contentment. To know that the Author and Sustainer of my life is in control. I am challenged to think about what it really means to understand the sovereignty of God. Here in Zambia this hasn't been an option not to. It isn't an option to live each day without remembering the sovereignty of God. I would probably have had a breakdown by this point in time without being reminded of God's hand in everything that I have seen and experienced over these last three months. I am reminded each time I don't know something in regards to patient care or better solution to the problem the client has other than the Lord is control and I can't heal their body by my strength. I don't hold the medicine to save them -- only God does, and that is strictly through the blood of Jesus Christ.
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